P.D.C.S.D.
Post-Diva Cup Stress Disorder:
It is pretty ironic I made a hopeful post about my Diva Cup a couple days ago because today I had to go to the ER because of it! Without health insurance!And here is that story…
So yesterday I put it in and I was all like, “Hell yeah, it is finally workin, wassup!” Then I slept with it in (BECAUSE YOU’RE ALLOWED TO) and I woke up and tried to take it out. I couldn’t, but I didn’t stress too much… I tried the rest of the day and by the time it had been in for 24 hours and had become a little too familiar with my vaginal canal I realized I was shit out of luck and I really needed to go to a doctor.
I live with my dad so I walked downstairs, told him I had a bad day because of some other stuff going on and then said,
“Also, remember that menstrual cup I told you about (after I ordered it off Amazon with your credit card)? Well, I can’t get it out.”
He said, “What? I’m not really entirely sure I know exactly what a… menstrual cup… is…”
“Its a thing I use for my period.”
“Does it feel good to you or something?”
(EW GROSS)
“No! I mean, it feels like nothing - like a tampon! But, anyway I can’t reach it and I don’t have health insurance, right? So… I need to get it out… I need to go to a doctor.”
Meanwhile…. At the ER……
No one seems to know what a menstrual cup is here and I am beginning to feel more and more like Chris Parnell’s character from that SNL sketch “Appalachian Emergency Room,” where he explains to the Check-In that he has accidentally sat upon something… like a Barbie doll head.. and now that Barbie doll head is lost up inside his anus.
“I swear I thought it was a beautiful pearly blue tampon that smelled like roses! Buhhhh….. Hyuck hyuck hyuck hyuck!!!”
Also I asked if I could have a lady doctor look at me but supposedly THERE ARE NO WOMEN DOCTORS.
During the three fucking hours waiting in the waiting room my dad said,
“Emily, I don’t think I’ll be joining you when you go get that thing removed..”
“That is… totally A-OK, dad.”
My dad was basically just cracking up this entire time while I was probably on the verge of tears waiting to see a man doctor.
Anyway, finally it was my time to go after explaining to at least two medical professionals what a fucking menstrual cup was.
I saw my doctor and there was a female nurse there to supervise. I got into my gown and sat up on that bed and put my goddamn feet in the stirrups and yet again explained what the fuck a menstrual cup was. “The things they make these days,” my doctor said. I explained that tampons were rather unhealthy and a lot of people actually use these things (menstrual cups). He inserts a speculum and it hurts like hell. He tries to pry the damn diva cup out my vagina (OMG, SOOORRRY!) a couple times and finally it goes SPLAT and there is blood everywhere. He is visibly grossed out and talking about it. “You’ve got a lot of discharge coming out now.”
In my mind I’m thinking, “Yeah, that’s blood! I HAVE MY FUCKING PERIOD!”
He holds up the bloody cup with his tongs into the air and declares,
“THIS! IS! HUUUGE!!! How did you even get it in there?!”
You fold it, dumb ass.
The nurse is in awe, as she also has no idea what this device is. These motherfuckers and their fucking medical licenses made me feel like shit for something that has been used for the past 30 years and a lot of people are fucking using it now. They made me feel like such a complete idiot for trying out an alternative to the unhealthy, economically and environmentally unsustainable tampons that they are so accustomed to. And while I will never ever fucking use a Diva Cup again because FUCK THAT SHIIIIIT maybe I’ll try a different brand because it MAKES SENSE, FUCK
